by Ringo Nova
Mr Jeremiah Insanity DeLorean (89), a member of the non-tax eligible Church of Mammon, says he has proof that the children who survived three out of the four devastating air crashes on Black Thursday are possessed by the spirits of the Three Little Pigs from the popular nursery story.
‘The signs are obvious to anyone with even a small brain,’ said Mr DeLorean, speaking via bullhorn from a yacht moored outside his humble mansion on Star Island, Miami. ‘Look at the proof. We know that the first little pig built his house out of straw. And where do they have lots of straw? Why, in Japan of course where the first plane went down. They all use those mats made out of the stuff, so it stands to reason that that kid who survived that crash has been taken over by that first piggy’s soul. The next little pig built his house out of mud, and where do they have lots of mud? Why in the Everglades of course where that other crash happened. Then that British jet fell out of the sky off the coast of Spain or somewhere, which is close to where those Romans invented bricks. The third little pig built his house out of bricks!’
Using quotes from the Bumper Book of Nursery Tales to back up his theory, Mr DeLorean said that it’s only a matter of time before the Three Little Pigs decide to take revenge on the cruel world that let them ‘be slaughtered by the Big Bad Wolf aka the pork industry’. Mr DeLorean is predicting that a series of devastating signs and events will befall unbelievers during the ‘End of Pork’ devastation. These include an outbreak of ‘Mad Pig Disease,’ the widespread huffing and puffing of Denny’s outlets, as well as a plague of high cholesterol for anyone who ‘has ever ordered a Quarterpounder with extra bacon from MacDonalds.’